Simple thoughts

Of all the art I cherish, this is the one that I love to view from time to time. It speaks to me, and offers a warm feeling. Perhaps it is comforting. Perhaps when I look at it, it makes me feel as if I am seeing myself in a mirror.
As I continue to explore my uniqueness with being transgendered, this picture tells me that "I'm OK". Perhaps someday I will find myself in a more modern cafe setting writing in a journal, drinking a glass of wine (or maybe a latte), and enjoying that moment of being me.

A new season

Autunm is my favorite time of year. I await the many colors of the leaves where I live.
There hasn't been much to write about in my transgender "coming out". I'm working on a letter to my brother that someday I will give to him that fully explains my needs and wishes. It is a difficult letter to compose. Once written, I will discuss it with my therapist, perhaps make changes, take a deep breath and talk to my brother. I'll give him the letter after.

I also hope to revisit this issue with my wife. It is long overdue.

The 5 letter word...Guilt

I saw my therapist today. It was a good session and it was well needed by me. Now that the summer is here, chances to be "lissa" take a back seat and so does the opportunity to find time to talk to my significant others, spouse, family and friends. Because of the delay, it allows for bad feelings to catch up with me on my journey. The worst of these speeding cars is GUILT. It is the great DE-motivator. It can put your gas tank on empty very quickly.
My mind plays the tape over and over...."but if I disclose my ultimate need to transition, I'll be responsible for ruining lives, breaking up a marriage, embarrassing my loved ones." I'd like to hear how others may be dealing or have dealt with it.
The good news is that in order to feel guilty one must have feelings for others.(yucka-yucka)

The Bruins are Champs!

Throughout my life I have always been a fan of Boston sports teams. I've seen the Red Sox, Patriots, and Celtics win championships. The Boston Bruins have always had a special place for me. I grew up a fan of Bobby Orr and the Big, Bad Bruins. I lived and died with them season after season. In 1971, they were stopped by Montreal and a rookie goalie named Ken Dryden. In 1978 they lost in the finals to Montreal. The following year they lost a game 7 semifinal to Montreal when they drew a penalty late in the game for having too many men on the ice. (Can you guys count?).
Another finals loss to Edmonton and then the downward spiral to be out of the playoffs. It was painful to see Ray Bourque be sent to Colorado so that he could have a chance to win a cup (and he did!).
This team this year was redeeming. Tim Thomas, the "turtle" of goaltending ( for his falling flopping style almost as if he was spinning upside down on a shell), just ridiculous! Zdeno Chara, Lucic, Marchand, Paille, Ference, Peverley, Seguin (the future star), Cambpell, Kaberle, Seidenberg, Kelly, Ryder, Rask, Hnidy, McQuaid, Boychuk, Kampfer, Krejci (a leader in the postseason scoring)... Nate Horton and Marc Savard who were inspirations; Thornton and Recchi who knew what winning the cup was all about; and especially Patrice Bergeron--a draft choice from whom much was expected and now has returned dividends. The coach Claude Julien, who weathered the storms of many of us who were not always in sync with his style of play. He and his assistants brought in a type of play that the players bought into and it stands as a winning formula.
What I like most about this win is that I am writing not just as a fan, but a transgendered fan! I could not have admitted that in 1970 or 1972, and I am proud to say that now. No shame in admitting who you are.
Play the game and have fun...Tim Thomas' recipe for success...let's apply to living everyday!

The Journey: A poem by Mary Oliver

    One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
 though the voices around you
            kept shouting
        their bad advice --
    though the whole house
       began to tremble
   and you felt the old tug
           at your ankles
          "Mend my life!"
          each voice cried.
        But you didn't stop.
 You knew what you had to do,
        though the wind pried
          with its stiff fingers
      at the very foundations,
      though their melancholy
              was terrible.
         It was already late
      enough, and a wild night,
    and the road full of fallen
        branches and stones.
         But little by little,
 as you left their voices behind,
       the stars began to burn
  through the sheets of clouds,
     and there was a new voice
            which you slowly
       recognized as your own,
        that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
              into the world,
             determined to do
  the only thing you could do --
           determined to save
   the only life you could save.

Mary Oliver

courtesy of -www.panhala.net/Archive/The_Journey.html

The poem was referred to by Maria Shriver recently in regard to her marital and family breakup. But I also have adopted it for my own struggles. It speaks out what those of us who want to transition feel. I have only known about it for the last week, but it is a keeper!

 

One foot in front of the other

Even though we in the northeast are predicted for snow on the first of April (right, an april fool's joke!), the month ahead holds great promise for me. At my therapy session, which I talked about on my last blog, I was well supported. I will be able to live as lissa for most of my non-working hours. My therapist and I scheduled our next session for that week as well. Before I could ask if I could dress as lissa at the office she asked if I would come to the session as lissa.
Today at work, I could not excape the thoughts of what I would wear, and what I would need. It is like the anticipation of Christmas, the season of presents, presenting to others and peace. Peace. That is what this trip is about. I am now 54 and yearn for inner peace, to be whole.
April, 2011, marks the continuance of that journey. There will be hills and valleys. But in the end, I need to seek peace.
Do you remember the scene in "Dirty Harry", when Harry tells the thief about his magnum and he isn't sure if he shot 5 bullets or 6, and he asks the famous question, "Do you feel lucky?" The thief gives up. But he isn't finished so he says to Harry that he has got to know ( if all the bullets fired or there is one left). That is the big
question for me about being trans....I got to know. I long for peace.

Another development

Tomorrow I have another therapy session. In April, I will be at the house without interruption. My wife heads to Aruba to visit a friend. I need to work to earn more vacation time for later this year. So I will have lissa time after 5pm every night. Tomorrows session will be dedicated to talking about this and working on pushing lissa out in public. April is beginning to look like a very interesting month....

Packing up 2010

In December, 2 weeks away from the Christmas holiday, I received a call from my mother's nurse. She was outside the house and she as well as her aide were not able to reach her. Mom passed away overnight. She was found lying on her bed under her afghan. I arrived about an hour later and managed to say goodbye before she was brought to the funeral home.

As a caregiver, I am very grateful that she died with great dignity and peace. Her sons have much to be proud of. Because of our assistance and diligence she was able to stay in her home for the last 7 years. My dad passed away in 2003, so she was virtually alone. But every weekend one of us would be by to see her. I would stock up the meals for her every other weeks while my brother took care of repairs.

The funeral was what she wanted-a nephew priest who travelled back home to say the Mass. The songs we chose were her favorites. All of it was simple and so "mom".

Rest in Peace Mom.

I have begun to think of the impact this event has for me and the desire to be female. It is one more detail I can cross off. I guess I don't have to worry about what mom (or dad for that matter) would have thought about transitioning. I think in the end, they would have accepted it, but that road to acceptance would have been full of potholes, dips, and bumps for them as well as me.

Mom's death also teaches me that life is not forever and each day is fragile. In the end, we strive to be a better person and we want to be happy. By January 1, 2012, I want to be moving faster and I want to be honest with everyone I love. That will not be easy.

So time to store away the keepsakes of 2010 and ring in the promise a new year brings! Peace to all!